HANDSOME AND PRETZEL

[From Dr. Franklin’s Staticy Cat]

 

handsome_and_pretzel(c)

Okay….

A pretty long time ago, there were two kids named Handsome and Pretzel – YES, Handsome and Pretzel – and they lived with their parents on the edge of a scary, terrible forest. Handsome was a boy, and he really was (handsome, that is). Though Pretzel, his sister, wasn’t anywhere near as good-looking, she did have silky, blonde hair that was exactly 45 feet long. If she threw it out her bedroom window, which was on the third floor, it reached all the way to the ground. No, I’m not thinking of someone else.

Handsome and Pretzel, of course, lived with their mother and father, though their mother was actually their stepmother, which means that she just stepped into their house one day and wouldn’t leave. This stepmother – her name was Andrea – hated Handsome and Pretzel’s guts. She was especially jealous of Pretzel’s long, blonde hair. Probably because she was bald herself. Though she did wear a wig. I mean, it was pretty obvious.

One morning, after the children’s father had gone to work (he was a lawyer), Andrea decided she’d get rid of Handsome and Pretzel once and for all. So she plopped her wig on – if you’re going to be evil, you might as well look good – grabbed the siblings by their wrists, and led them deep into the scary, terrible forest I mentioned earlier. The forest was called Friendly Forest, but it wasn’t (friendly, that is). It was damp and disgusting. There were diapers everywhere. It was like a garbage dump. Yuck.

In the middle of this icky forest was a tower made of gingerbread and candy – YES, that’s what I said. The witch – I mean Andrea, the stepmother – marched the children right up the steps of the tower, which were made of licorice, and locked them in the room at the top.

“And you’ll never get out again!” she cackled, slamming the door, and locking it, and swallowing the key, which was made of lemon drops.

“What should we do?” sobbed Pretzel, drying her eyes with her long, silky hair.

“I’m not sure,” said Handsome. “Let me think.”

“It’s not fair!” bawled Pretzel, blowing her nose on her lovely blonde hair.

“No, it isn’t,” said her brother, sitting down on the floor, which was made of rock-hard toffee.

“We’ll probably die in here,” cried Pretzel, twirling her hair around and around her wrist, like spaghetti.

“Probably,” said her brother, who wasn’t really listening anymore. But then he jumped up, ran out onto the balcony (every candy tower has a balcony) and – pulled something out of his pocket. It was the  whistle. The whistle his father had given him, all those years ago. But I did mention it. You’re just not paying attention!

Anyways, his father had told him, “Handsome, if you ever need my help, or the help of any lawyer, just blow this whistle.” So handsome did blow the whistle. Nothing happened, though. Weird.

“Hey!” said Pretzel, running out onto the balcony. “I have an idea. We must be … 40 or 50 feet above the ground, wouldn’t you say?”

Her brother nodded. It looked like 40 or 50 feet to him.

The girl continued:

“What if, say, I dangled my hair over the balcony, and you climbed down it, and got help.”

Handsome thought that was a terrific idea. His sister may not have been pretty, but she sure was smart.

So they tried it out. Pretzel flung her hair over the balcony (it really was lovely, silky hair) and Handsome climbed down it. But – yes, BUT – it just wasn’t long enough! You see, the balcony was actually 50 feet from the ground, rather than 40, so Pretzel’s hair, which was exactly 45 feet long, remember, didn’t quite reach. That’s mathematics, and you can’t argue with mathematics. Handsome had no choice but to climb back up.

The children went back inside, and thought. Thinking works up an appetite – but luckily, there was lots of candyfloss piled in the one corner. So they snacked on that, and thought and thought, and snacked and snacked, and thought and thought and thought. But instead of good ideas, all they got was bad stomachaches.

“It’s hopeless!” sobbed Pretzel, giving up. And then, because she was a very changeable young lady, she smiled and said, “Hey! Wait a second! I’m five feet tall. Do you know what this means, brother?”

Handsome shrugged. He didn’t.

Pretzel crouched down and traced her finger in the dust – I mean, the icing sugar – on the floor. Then she licked her finger and cried, “Delicious!” Wait – no, she cried, “Eureka!” She cried “Eureka!” and rushed back out onto the balcony.

Handsome ran after her. He wondered why his sister was now dangling by her feet from the railing. So he waited for an explanation. When someone cries “Eureka!” they usually have an explanation. And when someone dangles upside-down by their feet, they always do. This was it:

“Since I’m 5 feet tall,” she said, “and my hair is exactly 45, and 45 plus 5 equals 50, generally, and the distance from the balcony to the ground is 50 feet, then….”

Handsome looked a bit puzzled. Numbers can do that to some people.

“Oh, brother!” she cried. “Just check for yourself!”

Handsome checked. With the added length of her body, Pretzel’s hair now brushed the ground.

Handsome congratulated Pretzel – she really was a genius – and then climbed safely down his sister, and her hair, to the ground….

[Like it so far? Read the rest here (US), here (Canada) or here (UK).]

 

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