I love London fog.
Yesterday I was walking in the fog and thought why not open your mouth wide and swallow the whole bloody lot of it?
So I did. Just one huge sucking in, and I ballooned up with fog.
I floated above the city. I was light as a cloud. The view of London! The Thames was the signature on a prescription. St. Paul’s was a cold breast.
Everybody squinted at everybody, rubbing their eyes. My god, they could see London. They could see each other.
A young man was walking with a youngish woman dressed like a young woman.
“You’re not seventeen!” he cried, dropping her hand.
“Tee hee!” laughed the woman, lifting up the skirts of her gown, and running off.
Two men were committing a lewd act against an alley wall. This became the Heimlich Manoeuvre. “Are you still choking, my friend?” cried the one man. “Mmm hmm,” said the other. “Just a little more, please.”
The prostitute was a good deal cleaner and prettier than the man from the bank thought she was. “I should be getting back to my wife,” he said, slinking into the shadows.
Long ant-lines of rats tracked through the streets, up the walls, across men’s brightly-polished and laced-up shoes. One rat wrapped itself in the folds of a lady’s fur coat and stuck its head out—like it was wearing a fur coat, too. This made the lady so nervous that she started chewing on her furred sleeve. Like a rat.
The ghost of Winston Churchill was chasing the ghost of a cigar. It slinked into a man’s left nostril, and out his right. When Churchill tried to follow it, he got stuck. Ghost legs dangled out of the man’s nostrils, like a phantom stache.
People were screaming and passing out, now. They were vomiting and slipping in vomit. Some of them hit their heads.
This was no good. No, no, no.
So I spat a fog ball at the youngish lady. “Hello, gorgeous,” said the young man, taking her by the hand again. “How about some sex?”
I spat another fog ball, a nice big one, at the men in the alley. They breathed faster and faster.
A ball for the prostitute, balls for the rats, a ball for Churchill’s ghost.
I belched up every last scrap of fog, patched every last crack. Then I plopped back down onto the street.
Everything was exactly as it was before. People were happy again. You could feel the happiness. It felt like sunshine. Even though it was fog.
I love London fog.
Rolli’s latest book is The Sea-Wave.
Buy him a coffee.