A tiger makes an excellent pet. It does.

You just have to feed it lots (pretzels are its favorite).

And take it for walks (don’t let it eat the mail lady).

And brush its fur every night before bed—a hundred strokes.

One… two… three…

Then it’ll purr so loud the whole neighbourhood will hear.

A grizzly bear makes an excellent pet. It’s true.

You just have to take it fishing (don’t forget the hooks).

And rub its tummy (come on, now, be brave).

And read it bedtime stories (anything but “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”).

It won’t be half as grizzly, after that.

A T-Rex makes an excellent pet. Absolutely.

You just have to keep its tail warm (a quilt works dandy).

And give it hot chocolate (don’t forget the little marshmallows).

And toss it a Frisbee after school.

Those short little arms aren’t good for much, but they’re perfect for catching Frisbees.

A killer whale makes an excellent pet. Surprisingly.

You just have to brush its teeth (hey, it can’t do it by itself).

And shine its flippers (spit works fine).

And give it tons of baths (don’t forget the rubber duck).

Remember: a clean killer whale is a happy killer whale.

A puppy makes a terrible pet.

It just sits there and looks cute.

Who wants that?


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