Hello, Friends – – –
My latest poem for The New York Times – “Central Park, 9 a.m.” – was published today.
If you enjoy the poem, you might like my latest collection, Plumstuff.
Have a great day.
Cheers – – –
Rolli
I liked writing stories but “No one has read stories since the 70s,” a man in a trench coat told me. An editor. Then he went back into the liquor store.
I thought about killing myself, but it was too expensive.
I didn’t feel anything at all when they froze me to death.
When they woke me up, I was in incredible pain. They also had to electrocute me, which was painful as hell.
“Welcome, Mr. Izmiris, to the year 2076.”
A man in a wheelchair took me on a tour of the city. When he finished, he gave me the key to the city.
“It’s an honor,” I said.
“We give it to everyone,” he said, out of breath.
There was a crater where my old apartment used to be.
But I found a charred notebook with Thoughts and Fancies written on the cover. The inside was blank.
There was a singed pencil, too.
I sat in the crater all day, writing stories. It was a lot colder due to Global Warming.
“We could have sex?”
I looked up. The old woman was standing on a slant. There were about a million crows on the skyscraper behind her.
The skyscraper fell over. The woman didn’t even turn her head.
About a million crows flew up.
Then the woman dropped down, dead.
It was cold as hell on the subway.
When I started crying, a staggering man put his arm around me. An editor.
“Listen,” he said. “I sympathize with you a lot. I died but it didn’t hurt because I can’t remember.”
He told me about the time he fell off his bicycle. The ambulance ran over him.
A tear started falling but he caught it in time.
Eventually, he agreed to look at my stories. He didn’t read them, exactly.
“No,” he said, flipping pages. “They’re too far-fetched.”
“I was writing about my life,” I said.
A rat ran past. The editor dropped my notebook.
He was still chasing the rat when the subway squealed to a stop.
The sun went down. A shell of frost formed over everything. To warm up, I took a walk in Central Park. Central Park was the name of the biggest crater.
I passed a guy on a burnt bench, swallowing wine. An editor.
“When it’s as cold as it is, you just need to stand outside for a while. You don’t need cryogenics.”
He was right. My blood was freezing.
“See the gargoyles up there?”
He pointed to the War Monument. That was the only thing in the park that was still standing.
“They’re actually writers. You’re allowed to paint over them if you avoid the eyes.”
“Really?”
“They might wake up one day.” He emptied the bottle. “Probably not.”
A man with dirt or makeup on his face walked by. His fly was down.
The editor jumped up and followed him.
It took me an hour to climb the Monument. I hadn’t eaten since 1976.
There was a gap between gargoyles, so I squeezed between them. I crouched down.
The paint was flaking off the white gargoyle. It was black underneath.
I took out my notebook and wrote down everything I’d seen and heard that day. Even this:
The editor crawled out of the bushes, up to the War Monument. He defecated next to it.
I closed the notebook. I scratched out Thoughts and Fancies.
Then I wrote down Do Not Thaw Until 2176.
Hello, Friends – – –
One of my poems – Free speech being (nowabouts) – has won a Best of Rattle Award. You can find it in the new anthology pictured above.
Keep an eye out, too, for new poems in The New York Times, Queen’s Quarterly and other spots.
How are you doing?
Cheers – – –
Rolli
Hello, Friends – – –
My latest cartoon for The Wall Street Journal was published yesterday. Have a look:
Have a great weekend!
Cheers – – –
Rolli
If you enjoyed this post, please consider buying me a coffee.
Mom was talking to the guy behind the fence. I wanted to walk in the corn in the garden.
“Oswald, you’ll get dirt on your trousers, your brand new trousers. You go sit on the steps.”
Mom said damn and rubbed her hands on her pants. The phone was ringing.
I walked in between the rows and rows of corn. Looking up at the sky.
I touched the fence and ran back. Touched it and ran back.
The guy behind the fence said: “I bet you can’t guess what’s in my van.”
I guessed something. That wasn’t it.
“No, it’s a capuchin monkey. You ever seen a capuchin monkey?”
I never did. He told me about it. It was brown with some white on its face. It had a collar on that said Kiss Me. I wanted to see it.
I climbed over the fence. The guy’s van was at the end of the alley. He opened the back doors and pulled some black curtains back.
There was just a wood box in the van. Right in the middle.
“He’s in that box, there. You go on in.”
I got in the van.
“I’ll close the doors so he don’t get out.”
The guy got in the van too and closed the doors and curtains.
It was dark in there.
The guy switched a light on, a flashlight. He shined it on the wood box. He opened up the box.
Something jumped out of the box. The guy shined a light on it but it was gone. It was on me. The guy put the light on me, on my shoulder.
It was a monkey. A capuchin monkey, like he said. Brown with some white on its face. I petted it. I felt the collar that said Kiss Me.
“Why don’t you kiss him?” said the guy. He was still shining the light.
I petted the monkey’s head and down its back and its tail. It had a curled tail.
“Why don’t you?”
“Nothing to be afraid of.”
“You can kiss him, if you like.”
“So why don’t you?”
Well, I picked the monkey up. I kissed it, quick.
The monkey didn’t like that. It bit me on my lip. It screamed.
The guy laughed. When he laughed the monkey got riled. It bit me again, right on my chin.
I dropped the monkey but it jumped back up. It bit my ear and scratched on my neck and my back.
The guy laughed and laughed. That made the monkey — it was jumping all over. It was wild. The guy shined the light on the monkey, wherever it went. It climbed everywhere. It climbed on me too, sometimes, and bit me again and scratched.
I swallowed my spit. There was blood in it.
The guy laughed and laughed.
“How do you like that?”
I didn’t say nothing. I just swallowed my spit.
The monkey screamed. It climbed up the curtains, to the bar on top.
The guy slapped his leg and laughed. He laughed and laughed. He kept the light on the monkey, on top of the bar. It walked back and forth, back and forth.
After a while up there, the monkey calmed down. It climbed back down. The guy called it but it crawled back on me. It just looked at me. It sat on my lap. It curled its tail around itself, like a cat. Then it sat there, quiet.
The guy stopped laughing. He grabbed the monkey by the collar. He took it and dropped it in the box and slammed the lid. Then he opened the curtains and the doors up.
“Go.”
That’s all he said.
The van took off and I ran back. Over the fence. Through the corn. Into the house.
When Mom saw me, she hung up the phone.
“Oswald, your trousers are filthy. That new shirt of yours is ripped. How on earth did you rip your brand-new shirt?”
I didn’t say nothing.
“Been climbing that fence again, haven’t you? Scratched yourself all up. The dirt you’re tracking in! Can’t stay out of that garden, either, can you?”
I didn’t say nothing.
“You better tell me the truth, Oswald. This minute.”
Mom got down and her eyes… Everywhere I looked, there they were. So I looked right at them and I told her. I told her everything.
“Oswald, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t believe a word of it. You and your stories. That nice man, with the white trousers? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Really, Oswald. You and your stories.”
I wanted to say…
I didn’t say nothing.
“The shirt’s a write-off. The trousers I can mend. Really, you ought to be ashamed. Spoiling your clothes. Making up lies like that. Not a bit of that happened, did it, Oswald?”
I looked at my feet. I said: “Nothing happened.”
Mom got up.
“I didn’t think so. Now you go and get changed for dinner. You’re filthy.”
I went to my room and…
It didn’t happen. That’s what I said.
It did happen. It did.
It happened.
Something happened.
“A Capuchin Monkey” was first published in Transition and reprinted in Jerry Jazz Musician. It’s from my unpublished story collection Naked in a Graveyard. If you enjoyed it, kindly consider buying me a coffee.
I used to be the Great Swanzini. Now look at me. My cape has bird shit all over it. My top hat is curled open at the top, like a sardine tin. My magic wand is … flaccid.
I live in a piece of paper. It’s an enormous sheet of paper, twelve feet square, that I dragged into an alley between one art gallery and another art gallery. Every night — or in the daytime, even, when it’s cold — I roll up in it, like tobacco in an enormous cigarette.
At first, I didn’t even have paper. I lay in the alley all night, freezing. But one morning, I saw two girls struggling to carry the biggest piece of paper I’ve ever seen. I asked them what they were doing. We’re from the gallery, the first girl said. Which gallery? I asked. The one on your right, said the second girl. Oh, I said. And then I said, What is it? It’s one of Giancarlo’s discarded drawings, said the first girl, rolling her green eyes. We’re taking it to the recycling bin. Can I have it? I asked them. The proper thing to do, said the girl with the green eyes, for our green Earth, is to recycle it. I hid behind a mailbox and watched them drag the sheet across the avenue, lift the lid of the recycling bin, and toss it in. I watched them re-cross the avenue. As soon as they stepped inside the gallery, I approached the bin, opened the door, and fished out the paper. It had a drawing of a man’s face on one side. The other side was blank.
Even with paper, the nights can be long. Sometimes, reaching into a pocket, I’ll feel a bit of rabbit fur, or a stray card, and I’ll remember. Those nights are the longest.
I found a pencil in The Grecian Isle, a night cafe, moments before the man with the crisp collar grabbed me by the collar and laid me flat on the sidewalk. I took the pencil back to my alley and tested it on the paper, on the blank side. I drew a rabbit, and several smaller birds. Then I drew a man’s face. I’ve never been an artist. But I thought, flipping the sheet over and over, that my face was as good as Giancarlo’s. I tried writing a story. If it wasn’t very good, I don’t think, at least … it made me feel better. Just a little better.
During the day, I write on paper. I’m writing this between the eyes of Giancarlo’s face. At night, I sleep in paper. When I stick my head out the end of the paper to see whether it’s day or night, the people walking by look at me with more disdain than you could imagine. And I feel so degraded. Someone once told me … when you feel like shit, and you’ve long since reached a point of shame, a rung from which one can step no lower, you can feel no worse, not about anything. But I feel so degraded. I feel more and more degraded every day. If I were any more degraded, I’d be dead.
But I used to be the Great Swanzini.
“The Great Swanzini” is from my out-of-print story collection I Am Currently Working on a Novel. If you enjoyed it, kindly consider buying me a coffee.
I can’t remember why I started drinking, even. I used to be able to remember. Then I forgot.
“You should see a therapist,” Janice told me. My sister.
“It’s not that big a problem,” I said. “Not yet.”
Janice grabbed my neck.
“Just go. It worked for Dad. And for Mom. Do you want to end up like Biscuit?”
I stared at the table.
I was pretty drunk.
We finished our drinks.
On the way out, I grabbed Janice’s neck. Or I would’ve fallen down.
I apologized.
“Thanks for breakfast,” she said.
*
Mom let me taste her margaritas. Growing up. Just one sip from each one. She could knock back quite a few.
“Doesn’t that taste awful?” she always said.
I always answered, “Yes.”
“So you’ll never drink them when you’re older?”
I always said “No.” Every time.
One night, coming back from a friend’s, I found my dad lying on his back on the lawn.
I helped him up. It was minus twenty.
“You forget how cold snow gets,” he said.
I helped him to the bedroom.
Mom was lying on the bedroom floor.
Biscuit and I picked her up and lay her on the bed next to Dad.
She opened her eyes for a second.
“Don’t tell my kids I was drinking,” she whispered.
*
Dr. Hollowood looked the part. He had hardly any hair, just a few scratches on the side. And glasses.
Though his office wasn’t like I’d pictured. There were no bookshelves or sumptuous carpets. There was no couch. Just a chair.
“Why do you drink?” he asked.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“Try to think.”
I thought as hard as I could. I was drunk.
“What are you thinking of?”
“What was the question again?”
We talked for half an hour.
Dr. Hollowood looked at his watch.
“That’s all the time we have today. It’s my daughter’s wedding.”
I was wondering about the tux.
*
The saddest people in the world get together every morning. They wait in line for the liquor store to open.
I was waiting in line.
The woman at the front of the line kept rubbing her face.
The man behind me was vibrating.
There was a young guy sitting by the door. Behind an empty guitar case. He didn’t have a guitar. I guess he was hoping for the best.
“It’s 10:01!” said the woman at the head of the line, pounding on the glass.
The door opened.
On my way in, I tossed a quarter into the guitar case.
The guy looked up and smiled.
He still had a few good teeth.
*
Dr. Hollowood crossed his legs.
“Did you have a happy childhood?”
I knew he was going to say that.
“It was pretty happy, yeah.”
“You mentioned your parents were both alcoholics?”
“Yeah.”
“I guess I was happy anyway. I was a kid. It’s strange how that works.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well… You’re unhappy as a kid. But you’ll never be that happy again.”
Dr. Hollowood touched his chin.
The door opened. A shirtless man ran into the room.
“It happened again,” he said.
*
I met Janice for lunch.
It was May 23rd. I hoped she wouldn’t remember.
“You’re looking better,” she said.
“I’ve had maybe one or two drinks,” I said proudly.
I’d actually had three.
I hadn’t been that sober in a long time.
Janice looked wistful. She poked her spaghetti wistfully.
“You know, it’s been ten years.”
I knew she was going to say that.
“Hard to believe it. Ten years since — ”
“I’ve gotta go,” I said, getting up.
I grabbed my coat.
Janice touched my hand.
“Lunch is on me,” she said.
*
It was just about 10:00.
The woman at the front of the line had almost rubbed her face off.
The guy behind the guitar case was sleeping.
The door opened.
When I got to the door, I stopped.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I said out loud.
I tossed two quarters into the guitar case.
The guy didn’t even wake up.
*
When I was seventeen and he was nineteen, my brother was driving us home from a party. We’d both been drinking. A car jumped over the median and hit us.
I remember … we were upside down.
I undid my seatbelt and fell down.
I undid Biscuit’s seatbelt and he fell down.
They were pretty sure his neck was already broken.
*
Dr. Hollowood and I went golfing.
The first swing, I sliced pretty bad.
Dr. Hollowood lined himself up.
“It’s a matter of confidence,” he said. “Imagine the greatest golfer in the world. You’re him — only you’re better.”
He swung.
The ball landed right on the green.
I tried it. I imagined I was the best golfer in the world. I really don’t follow golf. For some reason, I kept thinking of Jack Nicholson.
I hit the ball.
I hooked it, this time.
“Now you’re overconfident,” said Dr. Hollowood, laughing.
I lifted my club like I was going to smash it.
“You know what,” I said. “Maybe that’s it. My drinking. My confidence. I basically have zero confidence.”
“Genetics is also a strong factor,” said Dr. Hollowood.
“You’re probably right,” I said.
*
I met Janice for dinner. It was my turn to pay — usually I’d pick someplace cheap — but I was saving so much by hardly drinking that I took her to Chez Pedro.
“You look great,” said Janice.
“I’m sober,” I said. I was.
A taco shouldn’t cost $30. I ate it slowly.
Janice stared at the table.
“I’ve got some flowers in the car,” she said. “You … want to come?”
I just stared at the tablecloth. My sister stared at it, too.
“What the hell,” I said, looking up. “Let’s go.”
Janice smiled.
*
There’s a ritzy cemetery downtown, Forever Cemetery. Biscuit’s buried in the cemetery across from it.
Most of the headstones there are small and cheap. When I saw how shitty Biscuit’s looked in comparison — I’d never been there — my parents didn’t have a lot of money — I cried, just about. It was just an iron bar. The across part had dropped off.
Janice put the flowers down and cried.
I felt horrible. I needed a drink.
I hugged her.
It was bad.
It wasn’t that bad.
*
I saw Dr. Hollowood once a month. He’d recommended once a week, but that’s a lot of money.
I had an appointment. I was waiting to cross the street.
“Is my zipper open?” said the guy beside me.
It wasn’t.
He looked down.
“Is my dick out?”
I shook my head. A couple times.
The guy looked horrified.
“Then that means … I just pissed myself.”
I didn’t even laugh. It could’ve been me.
It was me. Just a few months ago.
*
I haven’t gotten drunk in a year. I haven’t had a drink in six months.
It’s not a long time.
It’s a long time.
One morning, walking past the liquor store, I was barely even tempted, I saw the guy with the case. He had a guitar now, too.
I’m not sure why. But I smiled.
Hello, Friends – – –
It’s been a minute. So I have several things to report…
First off: I have a poem, “The Moonless Night,” in the beautiful new hardcover anthology A Whale of a Time: A Funny Poem for Every Day of the Year, published by Nosy Crow.
You can read my poem right here.
Whale of a Time is available in bookstores worldwide. Learn more about the anthology here.
In other news, I have a poem in the October issue of Spider. It’s also about the moon. And cosmic cats. Here’s the cover:
I have loads of stories and poems coming out in the months ahead, so stay tuned.
That’s all for now, friends.
How have you been?
Cheers – – –
Hello, Friends – – –
Just stopping by to share my latest piece for HOAX. It’s a small story called A Nightingale.
I hope you enjoy it.
Have a great week.
Cheers – – –
Rolli
Hello, Friends – – –
You might like my brand new, darkly humorous, illustrated essay, “Mr. Grimsby,” which was just published in Cutleaf. It’s about a dark visitor who’s familiar to many of us…
That’s all.
Cheers – – –
rollistuff.com 